A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce
Sallan
The Risks of Opposite Sex Friends
Do you have opposite sex platonic friends? Are you married? Does
your spouse have opposite sex friends, too? What about opposite sex
friends that used to be boyfriends or girlfriends? Is that cool?
Interesting questions, don’t you think?
Many people believe that their spouse should be their best friend.
I am sort of agnostic on that issue since I believe that for the
sanctity of marriage it isn’t always wise to bring every thing on
one’s mind to one’s spouse. That is the value of same-sex
friends.
For instance, if your spouse has gained weight, is it smart to
express that observation? If you’re feeling unhappy at home for
somewhat trivial reasons, is that something you should share with
your spouse? I say, “No.” I say that is the province of same-sex
friends.
But, back to the question of opposite-sex friends. A business
associate of mine, we’ll call her Sharon, shared her story recently
and it inspired this column. In a nutshell, she ran into her
husband at a restaurant with a woman with whom he had had a fling
many years ago. He was seeing Sharon at the time, but they weren’t
married.
When she caught him that first time, she got mad. But, she loved
him and decided not to let it de-rail their relationship. Sharon
also felt that carrying this “business” into the marriage - as a
wedge - would be destructive, so when they got married she gave him
a “clean slate,” to quote her. She went to therapy to process this;
she discussed it with her girl friends, and looked deep inside
herself and chose to forgive him.
A year later, they were married. Seven years later, she finds him
at a restaurant with the same woman. He jumps up, hustles his
friend out of the place, and runs away like a dog with its tail
between its legs. Sharon had wanted to confront both him and the
woman, but didn’t get the chance.
Later, the husband declared that they were “only friends.” Sharon
believed him. However, her confidence in his story was weakened
when she checked his cell-phone records for the past year. Turns
out he’d been calling Sharon about 100 times per month to the 200
times per month he was calling his “girl” friend.
Later, the so-called “girl” friend posted numerous remarks on
Facebook demeaning and criticizing Sharon for her immature
behavior. Hello!?
Meanwhile, Sharon’s husband continued to defend his actions, ignore
the insulting Facebook posts, and otherwise expect to be forgiven
since they were “just friends.”
Sharon kicked him out of the house. She’s not sure what she’ll do
next or what she wants to do.
Sharon went on to tell me that both she and her husband had brought
many opposite sex friends into their family fold. When that
happened, soon everyone was a friend with everyone else. She
believed that was cool. But, this time there was at least a year of
secrecy (per the cell-phone records), maybe more.
Clearly, Sharon’s husband was acting both cowardly and seeing this
“girl” friend was something he knew was wrong. Otherwise, he’d have
been open about it. I suspect there was more than “friendship”
going on between them, but I don’t know. I also feel, as does
Sharon that the issue of infidelity is almost less offensive than
the closeness her husband and his “girl” friend shared with so many
phone calls and secretive rendezvous’.
I ask again, can couples have opposite sex friends? My feeling is
decidedly unclear. It depends. If, and only if, an opposite sex
friend existed prior to the marriage, the primary relationship,
then it may be possible to bring that friend into the new
family.
But, it has to be open. It has to be up front.
However, when either partner wants to bring an opposite sex friend
into their lives after marriage, I question the wisdom of that
choice. A non-PC truth is that most men would like to have a
physical relationship with as many women as they could. Of course,
most men control that desire, but why tempt fate and
biology?
Again, this is one man’s opinion. Whatever works for you is just
fine with me. For Sharon and her husband, his secrecy and possible
infidelity has threatened their marriage.
While I would rather not face my wife being unfaithful in any
fashion, I actually sincerely believe that a one-night fling, while
away on business for instance, is far less of a betrayal than an
on-going intimate friendship with another man in which my wife were
sharing intimate feelings and thoughts and doing it all in
secret.
Sharon agrees with this thinking as she demonstrated in forgiving
her husband the first time he cheated on her, prior to their
marriage. She chose to give him a second chance that I believe he
squandered by continuing to see this “other woman” in
secret.
What do you think? Can opposite sex friends exist in your marriage
or relationship?
